So what do these rules look like? We spoke to a variety of couples in open relationships who offered some advice for couples who are curious. Expanding the bounds of your relationship takes works, and it takes discipline, they all said. It can also offer a new level of emotional and physical intimacy. Here are the big open marriage rules to live and love by.
5 Rules for a Successful Open Relationship
1. Don’t Leave Your Lovers in the Dark
One of the perks of an open marriage is that it gives you a license to pursue sexual encounters outside of your relationship. With that level of leniency and that kind of explicit permission put in place, there really is no reason to lie. If you’re gearing up to go out on a date, keep your partner in the know. Maybe they want to meet the person. Maybe they want to share with you their thoughts surrounding the first impression. John and his wife have been practicing non-monogamy for the better part of their relationship. Initially, she gave him permission to sleep with other people, so long as he didn’t tell her about it. But John rejected that idea. He knew she would eventually find out, and he knew that would hurt her. “My rule is that everybody gets to know, and they get to know before I really get involved,” he said. “It’s important to get your partner’s honest, gut reaction.”
2. Don’t Treat Your Secondary Partner Like a Second-Class Partner
In the world of polyamory, there are “primary partners,” and there are “secondary partners.” Primary partnerships typically supersede secondary relationships. You might, for instance, be legally married to your primary partner. You may share a home. You may have children together. You may a series of shared responsibilities that force you to prioritize that relationship over others you will eventually fall into. That does not, however, give you the license to treat your secondary partners with any less respect or consideration than you give to your primary partner. “Polyamory is still in a developmental state and it’s not really clear how everybody can be good to everybody,” says John. Though, he notes, it’s not all that hard to remain compassionate. It’s not all that hard to remain mindful of other people’s feelings.
3. Talk About Protection
While open relationships require flexibility, there are some non-negotiable to establish. Entertaining a conversation concerning safe sex is one of them. “It’s crucial that these ground rules be discussed and agreed upon in advance. This is a matter of ethics and consent,” says Patricia Jonson. She’s been with her partner Mark for nearly 20 years. During that time, they’ve engaged in various forms of non-monogamy. They’ve even put together some books on the subject. Some folks may insist on condoms during each encounter. Others cater the rules to the specific relationships they’re involved in. Judith has been involved in an open relationship for the past eight years. Her rule is that condoms must be used for at least six months into a new sexual relationship. “That’s the time it takes for me to vet someone,” she says. Talk to your partner(s), and figure out what works for everyone involved.
4. Sort Out the Sleeping Arrangements
Different couples will come to different agreements concerning sleeping arrangements. If you live alone, or with your primary partner, then spending an occasional night out might not be such a big deal. But if you have a family at home, things can get messy. When John and his wife first decided to go the open marriage route, they had two young children at home. “We established a rule where we would agree to come home at the end of the night. We would both be back in bed together,” he explained. “We wanted to protect our kids. We wanted to emphasize our dyadic relationship.” As time went on, they started to bend the rules. “Within a year we were comfortable enough with poly that we were fine with one of us going away for a weekend with a lover while the other stayed home with the kids.” Again, different families demand different kinds of structure. Do your best to figure out which one works for you and yours.
5. Remain Flexible
It’s important to have structure when diving into new territory, this applies to open marriages as well. “Having rules is a way of ensuring emotional alignment while establishing a foundation for exploring more freely,” says Patricia. But it’s also important to recognize that people change. And when that happens, it might be time to adjust the rules accordingly. “Don’t complicate things more than you have to,” says Judith. “Be negotiable.” And, remember, people aren’t perfect. The more rules we have in place, the more opportunity we have to slip up. When that happens, it’s important we don’t despair. “Be forgiving,” says Judith. “We are all human. I made some pretty significant errors in judgment when I first started out in this lifestyle. I didn’t know any better. I was still living by society’s traditional rule-book. But you have to realize that this particular relationship style removes us from their values and morals. You have to shift your view and look at things with a new set of eyes.”
We all should remember this few important rules..
While you may think that you have risen to the ranks of Casanova in spinning affairs,
it is the little things that give you away. Having an affair is obviously scorned upon and nobody likes to make it too apparent. To keep your relationship or marriage intact, it might pay to learn a thing or two about hiding affairs. Read on to find out more about the art of infidelity.
1. The Curse of Technology
Back in the old days, spinning affairs used to be a piece of cake. However, in the contemporary realm, your privacy is at the mercy of technology. You are bound to leave ‘digital’ tracks which may lead your partner to discover your unholy sins. These digital tracks include your call log, record of conversations on your phone or social networking sites, emails etc. Develop a system to constantly wipe you digital tracks to play it safe. Clear the Internet history or better yet use the incognito browsing mode.
2. Engineer an Inscrutable Alibi
Weak or phony alibis are the most common things that makes an affair apparent. You need to put some serious thought into your alibis which seems to be fairly plausible and confirmable. Recommended alibis include regular engagements like a cooking class, gym or anything else that suits your profile.
3. Use the Power of Vagueness
When you throw around concrete and specific lies, it becomes exceedingly simple for your partner to verify their veracity. By being vague and not too specific you can always evade from getting caught. However, this may not work every time, as sooner or later your partner is bound to realize that something is fishy.
4. Don’t Advertise
Some people have a peculiar need of brandishing their affairs among their friends. However, you may completely trust your friends but you can never eliminate the possibility of them divulging the secret about your affair by mistake. To keep the matter simple and private, don’t advertise it.
5. Work on Your Act
There is a good possibility that a change may creep into your behavior towards your spouse. The nervousness or guilt inherent in your demeanor might just give you away. Work upon these issues and bury them in the depths of your heart. Try giving a reason to your affair so that it makes sense and you don’t have to feel guilty about it.
6. Remember your Lies
Another fairly common and rather dumb mistake people commit is forgetting their lies. Devise lies that are fairly simple but do not seem contrived. The art of lying is in the details but ensure to remember those details.
7. Place of Rendezvous
While it may seem highly unlikely that you would run into your wife while meeting your extra-marital lover, you would be confounded by the odds of that happening in reality. Never take things for granted and steer clear of places that are in close proximity of the places frequented by your spouse. It also helps to avoid popular places as you never know who you might run into there.
8. Keep things Separate
Prepaid cell phones might just be your panacea. They are easy to use, even easier to dispose and they help to separate your affair from your married life. Register for a new email address and instant messenger account to simplify and separate things. Also don’t forget to uncheck the ‘remember email and password’ option.
9. Don’t Make Change Apparent
You might be tempted to buy a new wardrobe, get a new haircut or join the gym to woo your new partner. However, an increased attention towards your looks may seem plain out of the blue to your spouse and arouse suspicion.
10. Abide by the Relationship
While you are having an affair it might help to reaffirm your existing relationship. To avoid arousing unwarranted doubt, give your partner the right attention and satisfy her needs. Be on time, attend her calls, be supportive and take an extra initiative to please your partner. It pays to be the perfect husband when you are committing adultery.
11. The Trail
More often than not, there is always a trail that links your partner to your extra-marital partner. It can be through social circles, workplace contacts or practically anything. The important thing to heed here is to be wary of the formation of this trail as sooner or later it builds up and apparently ruin your life.
12. Paper Trail
You may not know but your credit card and phone bills may be under constant review if your partner tends to be suspicious. Any unusual purchases on your credit card statement might encourage your partner to doubt your fidelity. The solution for this problem is fairly simple i.e. using cash for all of your purchases for your secret lover.
13. Avoid the Obvious
It goes without saying to steer clear of the things that make an affair too obvious. Consistently staying out late at night, having an irregular schedule, not being available/accountable for long intervals of time are some of the few obvious mistakes.
14. The Little things
The key to hide an affair is attention to detail. While you may overlook some trivial things, it is those trivial things that blow your cover. These things include perfume or smell of your extra marital partner, her accessories or hair left with you, lipstick marks or other little things of the like. Don’t use overwhelming amounts of perfume to cover the smell of your extra marital partner. Rather, take a bath. It also helps to have some spare clothes at hand to hide any unintended marks on your clothes.
Having an extra-marital affair have its own perks but things may spiral out of control and turn into a nightmare if you don’t handle them with proper care. Unlike other things in life, you don’t get better with mistakes as you only get a few chances when it comes to having an affair.
By Sandeep Sharma